MVP'S: Most Vile Public Speakers

Welcome to the tournament we’re going to settle the dispute once and for all. Who in professional sports ruins the game the most by voicing their vile vernacular? Over the next few paragraphs we’ll be delving into the very psyche of those whom sadistically expunge the most detestable of rhetoric upon our delicate ears. I’ve collected and carefully examined the body of work of 16 spiel spewing speakers. The goal is simple: Find and isolate the one person who is so abhorrently loathsome that he causes you to throw up a little in the back of your throat. Enough of this jive let’s bring em on!

I’ve organized the 16 into 4 groups of 4. Groupings are by a generally appalling trait they all share, and then they are rated based on the amount of that trait they possess. They will then square off in head to head match ups until only one remains.

Group 1: Fat

1.) John Madden
Can we just put his picture up next to oafishness in the dictionary? Thinking about his baritone banter elicits feelings equivalent to nails on chalkboard.

2.) Chris Berman
Like a washed up athlete who just doesn’t know when to retire Berman keeps mumbling and stumbling along with his ridiculous nicknames and boisterous dialogue.

3.) Charles Barkley
Sir Charles… nobody takes more jabs in the sports world outside of the ring than Barkley. Is it all in good fun or is it because we secretly detest his rotundness?

4.) Joe Morgan
The King of the race card (he better watch out for Stephen A Smith) Morgan takes pride in his uninformative broadcasting, and his ability to bully Miller around.

Group 2: Nauseatingly Goofy (like Rob Schneider not Jim Carrey)

1.) Bill Walton
His hippyish slow style of speech just gets under your skin and festers there if you agree with him or not.

2.) Tony Kornheiser
Milking his success in a tandem show Tony weaseled his way into the MNF booth after a failed attempt by Dennis Miller. He has an opinion about everything and he wants you to know it.

3.) Gus Johnson
Sometimes when another person loves their job so much you despise them. No one can get as emotionally involved as Gus.

4.) Jon Miller
An amiable old man maybe, but he can never quite make an opinion of his own without being easily swayed by his equally robust partner Morgan. He’s also the one who called Bonds’ 756th HR joining the slugger in infamy.

Group 3: Senile (like Brad Pitt in 8 Monkeys senile)

1.) Tim McCarver
The King of Gaffes. McCarver will make it a point to have you scratching your head. He’s old slow and ready to talk. If a story broke that he’s been suffering from some sort of mental illness no one would be surprised.

2.) Marv Albert
The religious crowd might be grossed out by his panty wearing women biting antics, but others are more repulsed at his ability to gain fame as a broadcaster by simply emphasizing words like blocked in the phrase “BLOCKED from behind!”

3.) Dick Vitale
Nicknames alone make him reviled in the NCAA circuit….Dickie V, Cyclops, MR. College Basketball, and Quickie Dickie. Anyone who dislikes Duke probably has Richard at the top of their lists.

4.) Tommy Heinsohn
This spry rookie of the year from 1957 has been a Celtic staple. His reputation as a homer is second to none, and anyone staying in Boston forced to listen to him announce a game against their team must be truly taken aghast.

Group 4: Eerie (like Dennis Hopper in David Lynch’s Blue Velvet Eerie)

1.) Stuart Scott
Scott used to be able to connect with a younger generation, now we all just wish he’d connect with a laser eye surgeon and fix that creepy lazy eye.

2.) Joe Buck
Slamma-Lamma-Ding-Dong! Let’s just say his announcing to most is nothing but a “disgusting act”

3.) Bob Costas
Does anyone scream middle-aged white sociopath more than Bob Costas? The director of American Psycho should look into this for a sequel.

4.) Al Michaels
A member of the original MNF Triumvirate, Michaels was actually traded to another network. He will be known amongst Americans for his “Do you believe in miracles? YES!” coverage of the Miracle on Ice Olympic game. He’ll also be on the KGB hit list…
Let the Battle Commence!!

Round 1 & 2

Group 1: Fatties

1.) Madden
vs.
4.) Morgan

Madden may be famous for his coaching, but he’s infamous for the broadcasting quotes he’s supplied over the years.

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”

“When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.”

Morgan on the other hand talks about himself more than the teams he’s watching.

MVPS- Morgan

2.) Chris Berman
vs.
3.) Charles Barkley

Boomer has been running the same catch phrases out there since the 80’s. I can’t watch a long TD run without his blusterous vocals causing me aggravation.
Barkley takes his jabs like a man. No retired non champ can roll with the punches better than Barkley plus he’s in my fab 5!

MVPS---Boomer

2.) Chris Berman
vs.
4.) Joe Morgan

Berman garnishes some respect as he’s been a loyal analyst on ESPN since its days as a Streetwide leader in sports.

Here is a Joe Morgan excerpt from ESPN

Do you think Matt Holliday will win MVP or will it go to Jimmy Rollins?

Joe Morgan: Jimmy Rollins. I think he was the catalyst all year. He kept them afloat at the beginning when Howard was injured. They lost Utley for a while and they continued to win. I think Rollins was the catalyst. But there is always more than one candidate that is capable of winning the MVP. Fielder, Holliday, even Ryan Howard.

He can’t just say Rollins because he’s black…obviously his own point of not having Ryan Howard is negated by saying Howard is an MVP candidate right?

MVPS---Joe Morgan

Group 2: Goofy

1.) Bill Walton
vs.
4.) Jon Miller

Bill Walton you need to “Shut it down big man! Shut it Down!” And we need to “Dial a Violation” on his terrible catch phrases. Terrible!
Jon Miller sits in fear of his partner throughout the broadcast yet still manages to call the game with the glee of a Downs Syndrome patient eating an ice cream cone.

MVPS—Bill Walton

2.) Kornheiser
vs.
3.) Johnson

I’d much rather sit through a Gus Johnson emotion driven tirade than another Tony witticism about how old he is compared to modern day athletes.

MVPS--- Kornheiser

1.) Bill Walton
vs
2.) Tony Kornheiser

I hate hippies who shove their opinions down my throat and Tony has told us numerous times he’s way too old to be a hippy.

MVPS—Bill Walton

Group 3: Senile

1.) Tim McCarver
vs.
4.) Tommy Heinsohn

I’m a Celtics fan and all you homer haters can take a walk while Tommy yells at the ref to call a traveling violation on you.

MVPS--- Tim McCarver

2.) Marv Albert
vs.
3.) Dick Vitale

One uses the catchphrase “Diaper Dandy” the other uses diapers in his sexual escapades.

MVPS--- Marv Albert

1.) Tim McCarver
vs.
2.) Marv Albert

Marv may be 2 letters away from being a Perv, but Timmy is about one billion brain cells away from a coherent thought.

MVPS--- Tim McCarver

Group 4: Eerie

1.) Stu Scott
vs.
4.) Al Michaels

Al Michaels doesn’t need to fear the KGB they're done stealing secrets, but Scott is still stealing catch phrases, so look out Al!

MVPS---Stuart Scottt

2.) Joe Buck
vs.
3.) Bob Costas

Slamma-Lamma-Ding-Dong suffers from moral superiority, while Costas is a superior commentator.

MVPS--- Joe Buck

1.) Stuart Scott
vs.
2.) Joe Buck

Boo-Yah! Was so 90’s, but Joe Buck thinks the most disgusting act in the world is a fake mooning…that’s gotta be out of the 50’s right?

MVPS--- Joe Buck

Round 3

Representing the fat region: Joooooooooe “Malcontent” Morgan

Representing the goofy region: Billllllll “Where have all the flowers gone” Walton

Representing the senile region: Tim “Pretty Dim” McCarver

Representing the eerie region: Joe “THE Schmuck” Buck

Lets get it on!!!

The first bout is between a Texas hot-head and a Californian tree hugger’

Bill Walton
Vs.
Joe Morgan

Bill may get on your nerves, but he recently went on live TV and told Kobe to “Just Shut Up.” He has a son on that team…Kobe should know better than to stoke the fires of free love.
Joe Morgan is just so full of himself. At the recent All Star break he made two wrong decisions as to who the winner of the HR derby would be. When each was eliminated Boomer gave him another choice. Then on his third choice when he correctly picked Vlad, he couldn’t get over himself. It was his pick and he won, because he knew Vlad would swing the bat well. God I almost popped a blood vessel to the point my eye looked like Stuart Scotts…

MVPS--- Joe Morgan

The second bout is between two comrades in arms forced to due battle for the greater good.

Joe Buck
Vs
Tim McCarver

What’s worse the child who doesn’t know any better or the parent who does nothing to correct the situation? Joe Buck has taken the art of glossing over idiotic commentary to a new level.
Who could work with stuff like this?
“I got my ‘splitter’ and my ‘plate’ mixed up and kind of called it a "splate." It's a new word I made up.”
“Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs.”

MVPS—Tim McCarver

FINAL ROUND

Tim McCarver
Vs
Joe Morgan

One is overbearing and self-serving the other couldn’t serve a happy meal at a drive thru. Both are suffering the effects of a labored athletic life that inflated them with the hot air they so ineloquently spew through our television sets. One treats his partner as a child the other is pretty much his partner’s child. Both never think they are wrong yet with all that talking they do they never seem to be right. They’re old, ugly, and full of piss and vinegar, but who is the most worthy of the title MVPS?

The conclusion is kind of hard to come to, but in my pondering it came easily enough. Tim McCarver is an abomination of a commentator. He states the obvious in a way John Madden would have to scratch his head, he’s so out dated Chris Berman is thinking he can stretch his career another 30 years, and he’s so lost in his own world Joe Morgan looks like the main ingredient in humble pie. And while I was thinking this an image of his old wrinkly face with those rimmed glasses, and that grin with that half hearted chuckle entered my mind and I nearly threw up all over my keyboard, because he’ll be at the next world series and I’ll have to look at it.

Congratulations Tim McCarver you are the MVPS.

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